Moonlit Walk at Midnight

I know I said I was taking a break, but something terribly important happened to me at midnight this morning. I had just watched The Truman Show and I everything that had happened all my life compounded on me. I had the distinct feeling that I was no one, had nothing, and was going nowhere. I have always felt like I was just a conscience in a body, and I don't know what that conscience is. As sick and sad as it is, I struggled with this feeling before I even started going to school.

So, last night, I went out into the snow in my pajamas. I am usually afraid of going outside at night, but I was very blank. I was without fear, just blank. I got Misty out of the barn, which she was very glad to do (she hates being inside). I let her go and went to Conner to lead Misty by example. I lead Conner to the back of the pasture and of course, Misty followed us.

I stood in the back, both horses loose and choosing to stay out there with me. I talked to myself in my head for a long time. Why am I here doing things? Why do people have money? Why can't I just do what I want to do? I don't want to become a vegetable in front of a TV or computer screen, I want to have no boundaries and do amazing things with horses. I want to challenge myself and study and learn while I am young and capable. I don't want to go to college and spend all this time in the city and learning hardly anything I want to know.

I see people who things are going well for and people things are going . . . not so well for. . . and I wonder why there is no balance between the two extremes. I want to help everyone, but there is only so much of me to go around.

I turned around and ran up to the front of the pasture and the two horses came pounding after me. I know horses so well, now. I gave them both hay and went back to the back to sit. I sat and looked at the sky, the trees, the snow, the fence, the moon, the clouds, and the rest of the world. I love to watch, but I hate to see. I don't like the way things are. I realized that I must change what I can and leave the rest to God. Some would leave it to Fate, or Chance, or some other ominous word, but I am one of those who leaves it to God. I have a lot of comfort in that.

I don't know how long I sat on the barrel, I just sat out there until I did not have the feeling that I wanted to leave it. I have commitment issues, but I sat on that barrel until I wanted to sit on it forever. Then I went inside, laid on the couch and went to sleep.

Natural Horsewoman Out.